Saturday, November 08, 2003
Artist: BBmak
Album: Out Of My Heart
Title: Out Of My Heart


I feel fine
Now the rain is gone
and the sun has come to shine
Nothin can get me down today
Head over heals
Got my mind made up
as i'm driving through the fields
Nothin can get me down again


Catch me if you can
I gotta make a getaway


::chorus::
As the sun goes down
Wakin' up my dreams
And in my mind you're with me once again
Outta my heart Into your head
And inside my heart there's a place for you
And in my mind i'm with you once again
Outta my heart into your head


Chasing the sun
Tryin ta get away
from the rain that's gonna come
Hope I make it all the way
I'm lost in a crowd
Tryin' ta find my way
but the rain keeps fallin' down
Doesn't matter anyway


Catch me if you can

I gotta make a getaway


::chorus::
As the sun goes down
Wakin' up my dreams
And in my mind you're with me once again
Outta my heart Into your head
And inside my heart there's a place for you
And in my mind i'm with you once again
Outta my heart Into your head


Take a look
At the sky feel the sunshine
In your heart, In your head
In your own time


::chorus::
As the sun goes down
Wakin' up my dreams
And in my mind you're with me once again
Outta my heart Into your head
And inside my heart there's a place for you
And in my mind i'm with you once again
Outta my heart Into your head


Outta my heart Into your head
Outta my heart Into your head
- at 9:18 PM


Artist: BBMak
Album: Sooner Or Later
Title: Ghost Of You And Me


What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me everywhere
No matter what I do

Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts
Go sailing by
Phantom ships lost at sea
And one of them is mine

Raising my glass
I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left
Of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
- at 3:21 PM


just came back from flag day (KDF). yay! i 'sold' all my stickers!!!! hahaha... dan went to taka for lunch... shop around... and as i was walking to the bus stop, hai han msged me!!! hahahaha... first time man! in my life... *LOL* my idiotic big big brother actually send me an idiotic sms.... wadeva buddha... hahaha... first time he took the initiative to msg me FIRST! hur hur hur... wahahahaha... i am crazy... anyway, good day! hehehe...
- at 3:12 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003
as i've said, camp sux.. except at night. anyway, i shall from day 1...
played loads of silly games... i think the peeps are fascinated by kisses and hugs.... the 'truth or dare' game was all about kisses, hugs, dance etc... lame rite! and we cant choose truth... so wads the use of calling it truth or dare? first day was all about games, games and more games.. haha.. kinda relax... very!!!
at night, we watched the movie 'bring it on' in the gals' bunk...

day 2, went to the MINDS after breakfast. the building is kinda new? anyway, we helped them with the test tube flowers and those dried flowers bookmark thingy.. nice. din noe that their IQ is 70 and below... i think we were enjoying ourselves... the stuffs are supposed to increase their income... meaningful afternoon.
played some lame games after lunch... walao.. was darn violent... got pulled, and knocked all over. i shouted like shit... and dats how i got my sore throat. haha... the security guard got a shock... hahaha... and all of us got scolded by that idiotic indian man.. lol...should tape down his expression... anyway, the skits sux... so dumb...

ok, i wanna go slp man... still have to go for flag day tml.... somerset mrt at 7:15...
- at 10:59 PM


Never say I love you

If you don't really care

Never talk of feelings

If they aren't really there

Never hold my hand

If you mean to break my heart

Never say forever

If you ever plan to part



Never look into my eyes

If you are telling me a lie



Never say hello

If you think you'll say goodbye



Never say that I'm THE one

If you dream of more than me



Never lock up my heart

If you don't have the key

- at 2:01 PM


i am back... lame camp... dun feel like typing now... type it later in the night... just finished packing my stuff. sore throat, flu, fever... think i shouted too much... anyway, i wanna slp now.
- at 2:00 PM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003
SUX! the camp sux! slack like shit! nth to do but slack slack and more slack... walao.... got hugged and kissed by a gal.!!!!!! YUCKZ!!! wo de ma ya... i am in the class right now... all thankz to my friend.. he is such a kinddy to lend me his lappy.. hahaha.. walao!!! i din bring my lap top lor... early noe i'll bring my lappy, charger and such... okok, gtg soon... got night walk at 7 45..
- at 7:31 PM


Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
- at 12:59 AM

Tuesday, November 04, 2003
was trying to delete all the pass letters and stuff in my email inbox and i stumbled across this story.... ok, some of you peeps might think that this is dumb... who cares, i like... the story is kinda long... but trust me, you will definitely love it.


*The first time for a guy to approach woman during his life, be it a
senseless dare or pure admiration, somehow or another, ounce of
energy will gradually flow in you until it accumulates pass a
climax, then a sudden urge of doing silly things to know her
happens. Before you know it, everything happens in a flash, and
when you think back, you wondered how on earth did you manage to do
or say something as retard.

I am in similar hypothetical situation.

I observed her since two days and for some diabolical reasons,
something stuck me, whispering to me in telepathy mode that I have
to know her. Must have one of Cupid's bow shot went haywire and got
into me - my eyes never left her. She is petite and small, with
long flawless hair. Her features were well defined - especially her
eyes that captured my soul in the first wink I caught from her. She
is not those drop-dead gorgeous model's style, but when she smiles
and her two dimples creases into her cheeks deeply, nothing on
earth is sweeter than her. Her charisma and the air that saturates
around her is angelic and when I am near her, to close for comfort
(it's simply stressing), she smelled like a walking conditioner.

I have to know her, if I want this piece of dream to turn into
reality. If it were something of my forte, it would have been as
simple as snapping my fingers, but I had never approach a girl
before. What do you expect from someone who studied in an all guys
school since Primary One and not even a single sister at home?
Female of similar age don't exist in my environment since I
graduated from kindergarten, which was like years ago?

Today is the last day of school, which means starting from
tomorrow, two months worth of vacation began. Then, my chances of
seeing her will be zero because she doesn't even stay near me; she
stayed near my good friend, Jerry, private estate. Fate has enabled
us to meet because two days back, because I have been going to
Jerry's house and I would only see her at the bus stop. So
everything needs to be done today!

She is sitting in front of me and my mind is virtually blank,
thinking of a good way to start a decent conversation with her.

Then, the bus appeared into sight and my set my pulse racing - I am
losing my time resources!

The bus slowed down to a gradually stop and we both board it.

I chose a seat near the back and sat down, watching her walked
passed me and sat behind. A wave of uneasiness washed over me as I
could even sense her gaze on my back. There was an internal war to
introduce myself and to remain rational.

Finally our stop came and we got down.

She walked at a quickened pace, reckoning that I am stalking her
behind. Every seconds is slipping passed me and beads of sweats
broke out at strategic part of my forehead. I can't let this final
chance go by!

She went through the gate of the estate by now and my mind is in
state of desperation. Watching her gradually moving towards her
block is unimaginable.

Come on Cloud you could do it! OR you are gonna lose this chance
forever!?

A surge of false strength filled my veins as I ran towards her.
When I came arm length distance from her, I delivered a light tap
onto her shoulder.

She turned around, as if expecting all that would happen and gave
me a curious look. >

Hi, I was...was wondering if I...I...could get to know you and be
your friend??

All the energy in me had expanded in this stuttering sentence I
blurted. My face is beginning to blush red with shyness as I waited
for any respond.

She smiled faintly and gosh, that nearly sweep me off my feet.

Five minutes went by and everything happened as smoothly as any
successful mission. We exchanged numbers and I learned that she is
not exactly local; she is a half Japanese who came to Singapore to
study. Her name is Yukiko, which means snow in Japanese ?like her
unblemished skin, fair and silky-like.

Then she said she had to leave and with a dumb smile reciprocating
her sweet ones, we parted.

I looked back at her for one final time, before running and yelling
at the top of my voice that I made it. Did I mention knocking onto
the lamppost and actually apologized to it?

------------------------------------

It was two months since I knew her and we have always talk online.
Our relation are like good friends now. Jerry told me to go after
her, but my heart doesn't want to sacrifice this stable friendship
for now. Maybe because I had never had a girlfriend before and
always have this phobia of relationship not lasting behind my head.

I came home quite late and logging onto IRC and yes! She is there.
Before I could catch my breathe for walking back home from the bus
stop, she sent me a message.

'Cloud, so late still never sleep ar?'

I heard my mum's voice lurking in the background, commanding me to
finish the leftover food in the kitchen. If my mum knew that I ate
in school already, I guess she is gonna skin me alive.

'Just came back from school, you?'

'I waited for you to come online.'

Waited for me? Sometimes girls can be such cute little thing. Words
like these seemed like healing wards for the day fatigue. Jerry
said that guys must be sweet talkers and romantic, well. I am none
of the above. But when he stressed his point, I tried learning to
be one.

'Why leh? Miss me ar? HAHAHAHA!'

I know the laughter was just to cover my embarrassment, but hey,
that's a good attempt.

'.'

'Cloud, I am moody today.'

'Really.? What happen?'

'My good friend just broke up with her boyfriend today.'

Somehow girls are very affected over things happening to their
friends in matters of love. Guys would normally tell them to move
on with their life and stuff, whereas they would share their pain
and sorrow or cry with them. Maybe that's why girls always tell one
another about their personal problem?

'Well.it's getting common isn't it? Relationship are breaking up
every now and then.'

'I seen them come together and they have been together for 3 months
plus. so long.'

Three months and you called that long? It's not even longer than a
semester. Maybe people involved will find it longer than it seemed
to be. I am a counsellor in school and people approach me for all
kind of interpersonal relation problem. Maybe that's why I have
another point of view? But when it comes to myself, I am such a
dickhead.

'If they were meant to be together.well. they will be together
right? Sometimes not being together is a good thing.couples not
suited for each other being force to be together is a painful
thing.'

'Fate.?'

Fate to me is like a legend; everyone talks about it, rant about
it, thank God about it, but when it comes to relation, I have never
gotten myself a girlfriend, so I know nuts about it.

'Err. you could say that?'

'Then are we fated to know each other. Cloud.?'

I always hated it whenever girls corner me with questions that
neither YES nor NO is the right answer. Just when I am stuck with
her questions, my mum with her pissed off face come knocking at my
door, demanded that I finish the food left for me.

'Hey, I have go off for now to eat supper. answer you another
time.'

'.'

'Come on. gif me a smile ok? I treat you movie next time.'

'You say wan ar. . I see you tomorrow ok?'

Well, it seemed that the treating trick always works. Hey. it means
that I can make use of this excuse to catch a movie with her! I am
such a fast learner.

'Ok! bye bye!'

The next thing I see is the 'DISCONNECT' word on my computer.
Grinning from ear to ear,
I skip my way to the kitchen.

-----------------------------

'Cloud! You are finally here!'

I looked at the clock and it says 10 pm. No, I am not late, rather
I am pretty early using IRC entering our usual chat room.

'Cloud, my good friend tried to patch back with her bf today. but
he ignore her.'

Well. guys of these days are not looking for serious relation.
People have to get to know and go through more relation before they
could realise that who is the right one for them what.

'She cried you know. so poor thing. then that guy said that he
likes another girl.'

A Chinese proverb came into my mind - Tian ya he chu wu fang cao.
Why cry wasted tears over a relation that was never meant to be
yours in the first place? Human, even though are emotional
creatures, after a period of time, everything will just be a memory
of what had taken place.

'Yah I told her to move on with her life, but she loved him so much
and she couldn't believe that he like someone else. if I am her, I
will also dunno what the do.'

Don't know what to do? Make yourself happy instead of lingering in
this sorrowful event? Sometimes I really wonder if woman are that
dumb? Or is it love that is making woman a vulnerable creature? And
what makes you think THAT it is love? Woman, in their first love,
love their lovers, in others, they loved love.

'Really?.'

All woman loves romance. It is like salt and sugar in cooking.
Without it, whatever relation will be bland.

'What about you Cloud?'

Me? How come the topic is about me now? I always avoid questions
whenever it comes to me in revealing my inner self. It is like
exposing yourself to danger through speaking. People, whom you
least expected it, betray the trust you given to them and you will
have to go through this series of utter disappointment and sadness.
Ok I admit. I watch TOO much TV.

'Me? What about me?'

'What if something like that happens to you?'

'Er. it won't lar. I don't even have a gf.'

'Why? Go get one?'

'.'

'y? something is wrong?'

Ok baby, this would be the catalysis to explode my innermost views
again.

'I don't want to get a gf for the SAKE of getting one. its
meaningless don't you think? Relation nowadays are going nowhere
because people just want to be in a relation. They are afraid to be
alone - they WANT someone to walk by them. Be it emotionally,
sexually or physically. I don't mind being alone - I like it! Until
maybe when the special one comes along, I will try my best to be
with her, doing stuff together and most importantly, grow
together.'

There was an unaccustomed silence after I type that paragraph.
My fingers speed through the keyboard and finally stop at the last
word. Oh @$$@! Have I just ruined my good impression? I discern its
time to celebrate with Jerry about my first failure.

'You are right Cloud.'

Hooray!! I could see my happiness on the computer screen,
signalling to my victory of words.

'I want to stay single, until the special one comes along too. .'

Oh wait, how could cute girls like her possibly stay single? Guys
will try all sorts of ways to get her and she would finally succumb
to one. She is too cute to stay single.

'Me blushed. no I am not cute.'

She is such a poor liar. When you praise a girl pretty, they would
tell you they look ugly. When you say that they look like toilet,
she retaliate and bites back, saying you look worst. such is
mentality of a woman.

'I girl mah, that why will also be like that. =P'

From a close defeated battle, I have eventually emerge the winner
as I continue to chat with her for the next two hours. Somehow,
during these periods of knowing her, I had never asked about the
background of her family or sort, but we talk everything else. I
loved to chat with her as she is way so different from all the
other girls - she is VERY na飗e and this creates an impulse for me
to protect her, to guide her along. She showed me the real
innocence of a young lady, untainted and pure. I love the way she
is, naturally cute and THIS is the reasons that stop me from jioing
her - I can't take advantage of her innocence right?

'Cloud. I have to go already. its getting late.'

'I have to leave too.Oh yeah. its almost 12 and my Cinderella has
to leave. HAHAHAHA!'

Why is it that I must laugh every time I attempt a MUSHY statement?
A lousy cover for my embarrassment.

'.'

'Cloud. you say the other time you wanna treat me movie right?'

Ok, my hypnotic statement has hinted her! YEAH!

'Lets watch movie together tomorrow ok?'

Er. ok!'

My mind was cheering and screaming in rejoice. All hail cupid for
the golden opportunity!

'Ok. Cloud you log off first, I don't want you to see me go.'

'Aww.ok I count to 3 and leave.'

I can't believe I am doing this SILLY business.

'3.2.1.gone!'

I couldn't get to sleep on that day, totally excited about
tomorrow's event. Going out with a girl? I had never been out with
one before! Praying at my bedside sincerely that nothing will
screwed up on that day.

-------------------------------------
It was 8.40 pm and I was at Starbucks (20 minutes before
appointment point) - Plaza Singapura, the location we suppose to
meet. It is not polite to be late for a date for the first time
anyway. Slipping my favourite ice blended mocha, I waited.

I was daydreaming about today's soccer match I played and started
pondering over life issues and soccer; Life is like soccer. you
never know when you gonna get hit by the ball in your face. What
load of crap!

As I was trying to entertain myself to relieve some amount of
tension in me, I sense her presence - the smell, I can never
forget. I looked up and saw her smiling and making her way towards
me. She is simply stunning and like a critical hit, I was stoned
watching her coming. White spaghetti straps top with jean skirts.
Woah, I simply love girls wearing skirts. It makes them looked.
more.erm.more female.

'Sorry I am late.'

'Nah, its Ok. I am just early myself.'

'So what movie are we watching?.'

'It's ok, we will check it out later, anyway what matter most is
who I am watching with, not the show.'

She blushed and I nearly died saying that sentence. Hey. I am pro
huh? HAHAHA!

Smiling at my flippant words, I commented on how gorgeous she
looked today. I guess it was just something to start conversation,
but hey. I really meant what I said. She looked really shy and
reply with a soft thanks. I bought another ice-blended mocha for
her as she said she wanted the same.

We chatted for a while - Jerry told me to soften her up with the
conversation as she will most likely be as tense as I am.
Gradually, she gain comfort from my company and from chatting, it
grew some laughter in it. Actually at times (lucky thing it wasn't
frequent), I did not understand what she was saying. Her Japanese
accent with little tint of singlish that comes along with it, was
weird but comprehendible. Nevertheless, she looked so cute,
especially when she smiled that I have this burning urge to pinch
her cheek.

After finishing our drinks, we made our way to the Cinema, after we
decide and made purchase for Shallow Hal. It was comedy show and
Jerry said that comedies is good way to remember a first date. At
least she won't be crying while watching a sad movie and I had to
cheer her up later, although horror show seemed like a whole lot
better option to me. Hiak!

The movie is talking about Hal Larsen, the ultimate shallow guy. He
judged woman by appearance and in the end he got hypnotize by this
guy who made him sees woman by their character instead of physical
beauty. Rosemary, the lead actress came into the picture and he
fell in love with her, without realizing that she is not what he
thinks she looked like.

The story is a mixture of hearts, laughs and emotions and at the
end of the show, I could see watery tears rimming around Yukiko's
eyes. What the hell? Well. at the very least she understand the
story, which was my first fear. We walked out of the Cinema and out
of Plaza Singapura, while I tried to reassure her that the world
was still spinning and it was only a show.

'Cloud. do you think there are people like that?'

'Sure. of course. that is the real world.'

'Why must guys like pretty girls?'

I was momentarily taken aback by a sudden question. I asked myself
and the answer that came up doesn't seemed too good.

'Because human like to see pretty things? I mean you would like to
see good looking guys too right?'

'But good-looking guys don't give me security. That's why I don't
like good-looking guys.'

My heart screamed another point of victory; I am not good looking -
I am decent looking, the second closest to handsome. Even though
she never really answered my question, but I love her reply.

'What about you Cloud? Do you like pretty girls too?'

THIS KIND of question AGAIN? If I said yes, I will appear ****
shallow. If I say no I am lying to myself. Gawd! I need the best of
both world answer.

'Me?'

I was trying to buy time as she nodded her head almost immediately.

'Well. I think I prefer. cute girls like. you!'

My system was undergoing this contained stress and it is making me
go nuts every time she throws questions like these to stumble me.
She blushed and tapped my head lightly. Oh man, I think I am not
gonna wash my hair today.

'Don't be silly.'

I know that sentence was just to cover her embarrassment, just like
me laughing whenever I made mushy remarks.

I decided to sent her home by bus as I think this is the very least
what a guy should do. We boarded the bus, the same bus 171 where we
always take - We recognized the bus driver.

'Boy ar. not bad ar. get to know her liao.last time you both dunno
each other wan right?'

It was the bus driver and I nodded in faintly agreement with him
and smiled my way through, while she giggled uncontrollably. We
choose a seat at the far back and sat down.

'This driver is always very chatty, don't bother about him. I
always seen him talking to other passengers.'

She shaped a smile from her lips.

Suddenly, she took the bus tickets I was holding.

'Look away first!'

I did as I was told and after five minutes she hold my waist and
put her fist onto my hands. Am I in heaven?

'I have nothing to give you, so I made this two heart myself. One
for you, one for me.'

I looked at her origami made from bus tickets and wondered whether
I should do something similar. I appreciate her effort though - I
thanked her.

Finally her stop arrived and she had to align. We got down and I
insisted in sending her all the way till her block.

'It's ok. It's not good if I am being seen by my neighbours with a
guy so late at night you know.'

I nodded and finally relented. Well, every date has to part
eventually right?

I watched her fade into her estate and until I caught zero glimpse
of her.

I am in LOVE with TODAY.

--------------------------

For the next few months, we chatted everyday and each time I felt
that I am slipping into this pit of angelic darkness called love.
She told me she couldn't go out very often as her guardian is very
strict - finally she is talking more about herself. Her parents are
overseas working, leaving her all alone, which contribute reasons
for her character. I know she longs for my company like I longs for
hers. We are like one in-separate-able pair of best friend.
Whatever problems she has, she consulted me and I will be there to
give my expertise advice. Maybe this is what true love is, someone
to be there regardless of whether you two are together - someone to
guide, shield and depend. Jerry, the woman's men, said that I am
wasting too much time on a single girl. I should have just pop the
question and leave the thinking to her, after all life is too short
to spend on one person. But the urge to reveal my feeling hasn't
reached to such stage for desperation yet. Maybe next time I would,
but when is the right time?

'Cloud. I have something to ask you.'

Oh no, not again?

'What do you think of me?.'

Oh ^!&#, peer evaluating time! Even though I speak easily to
myself, when it comes to expressing to HER, I am score an F9 for
it.

'Cute? And you are a very good friend of mine.'

'That all?.'

What do you mean that's all? Oh dear, I have to say something that
she wants to hear or forever I will be condemn in her eyes.
Noooooooo...

I decide to avoid the question using my avoidance tactics.

'There is a lot of things in my heart that I feel about you, but in
this short span of time, I can't express it out. But regardless of
what is it, I want to let you know that treasure you a lot.'

Phew, lucky thing I manage to come out with this marvellous
sentence. It seemed that after the episode of knowing her, I am
beginning to learn the trades of using words.

'.'

I didn't know how to reply her smile and decide to leave it until
she reply me with something else. Five minutes went by and I am
starting ponder whether I should reply anything.

'Cloud. can we meet for dinner tomorrow?'

Another date! Yeah I screamed literally at my computer scream as
she is able to go out once more, with me.

'Sure! What about your guardian? She allows you to go out?'

'Yes, she allow me to go out tomorrow.'

'Ok. we meet at Mac at Parklane ok?'

'/me nodded her head.'

'Ok I have to go offline now. remember don't be so early ok?. I
feel bad if you have to wait for me.'

I smiled at her consideration for me.

Before I could reply with anything, her nick has quit IRC. Guess
that I have to wait for tomorrow to see her again.

-----------------------------


I arrived early as usual, this time about 15 minutes earlier,
waiting for her outside Macdonald patently. Reckoning about her
sudden wanting to meet me suggested motives, that's what TV drama
always show. Maybe she needed a large sum of money, borrow from me
and then disappear into thin air. hiak. the effect of TOO much TV.
again.

As I was busy throwing impossible scenarios into the pictures to
cease my tension, she stood in front of me. As I looked up, I
noticed her face is getting fairer and whiter to the extend of
being pale, but nevertheless her sparkling eyes never loses its
glow. Must be the effect of those skin whitening Japanese beauty
product.

'Waited long?'

'Only about 5 minutes.'

My first lie I made to her. But it was for good cause.

We went into Mac and sat near the window seats, where we could look
out towards the roadside.

'What do you want, I buy for you.'

'You eat anything, I eat anything.'

I went to buy for her and decide upon Mac Nuggets Meal as she is a
small eater. Less than an instant, 2 packets of large fries, 2
large coke and two boxes of 6-pieces nugget was on the tray as I
carried them. Somehow, I noticed that she was looking at me with
such mesmerizing effect that I nearly unbalanced myself.

'Cloud. why are you so good to me?.'

Good? What you mean good? You mean you want me to trick you to bed
and after that meet about for sessions like this? Thinking back,
only ******* guys would do that and being a good guy, I shall
uphold my reputation.

'What you mean?'

'Before those day when you wanted to know me, I was actually
getting a little irritated when you stalked me.'

'Oh really?. I must have seen like a pervert or something to you
right?.'

She giggled out of a sudden and I wondered what she meant.

'But then again. till now, I realize that you are different from
other guys that wanted to know me.'

What? There are other idiots doing the same thing too? Oh well, I
am NOT surprised, considering her lovable nature and
attractiveness.

'You are my best friend and appreciated it. and must be fated that
will know each other right?'

Fate again. Why must woman always bring up the topic of fate
everytime when it comes to relation of any kind? I nodded my head a
little. She seemed a little solemn today and I reckoned that if
there is anything I could give in to her, I should give in. I tried
to cheer her up a little as the topic she started were on the
emotional side. I spoke some joke and she giggled a little as we
continue to our meals. Sometimes I feel that she is the only person
in the world that appreciate what I am doing - be it stupid, silly,
cute, dumb or whatever $@%!. It is not much, but she always
responded.

We finished our meals and were playing with our straws like little
kids. As we had our little 'fighting', I looked into her eyes and
her eyes seemed to tell me that she may have gone through a lot of
in during these period. I don't know what was the problem may be,
but all my mind was telling me was to make her happy - simple and
sincere.

'Can we go somewhere where I could see the sea?'

We took a taxi down to Marina Bay. Reached in while moment, we got
out and walked close to the shores where the waves roar in protest
from the raging winds. The sky is densely clouded and the breezes
is strong, but just nice enough for comfort. We sat down side by
side and watched the waves continual sweeping up the shores.

Suddenly she position and lean herself on my back with her head
facing up, looking at the nightly sky. I told myself never would I
forget such day. The first intimate bodily contact I had with a
girl back to back, just like two hearts melted in one. We spoke
nothing, just revelling in nature's enjoyment.

'The sky is beautiful right?.'

I looked at the sky and to me, it appeared as if it's going to rain
soon. Then she stopped leaning on me, and looked into me. As if a
soldier going for war, my gaze never left hers - I have decide not
to avoid it. We studied each other gaze for a moment and after what
seemed like eternity, I could see a layer of wetness in her eyes.

'Cloud. would you remember me?.'

Actually I was wondering why she sobbed, but it seemed that maybe
she wants to bring out something to tell me and I suspect it is
nothing good. I nodded my head to her question and her gaze move
onto the rough sea.

'Why? I will never forget you. is there something wrong?'

She kept quiet, rolling her vision between the sea and the sky
before looking down...

I. have to go back Japan.'

Like a prick on bubbles, an internal implosion occurred within me.
Don't tell me all the fantasy I am having is coming to an end? If
this was a dream, I pray that I will never wake up from it.

'I understand. your parents are over there and they worried for
you.'

Even though I am fighting inside, I had to put on a brave front.
Well, she isn't my girlfriend or something, I can't demand her not
to leave. Girls of her age needs their parents to be with them more
than friends.

'Will you come and visit me if I ask you to?.'

'Yes of course! I will!. Can we still contact through IRC?'

I was hoping for a small miracle, its nothing much, but at least I
could still talk to her online.

'I don't think I have computer or internet connection at my house.'

The atmosphere is getting intense and to make matter worst, the I
could feel a drop of water falling on my skin.

'Then. its ok. we could chat on the phone whenever we can and I
think we better leave now, it's going to rain.'

We both got up and walked hastily towards the road in trying to
catch a cab, but halfway through, the merciless weather started
pouring heavily. Even though I just had a shock from what she had
just told me, in the present moment, in my mind, all I thought of
is to shield her from the chilling rain as I didn't want her to
fall sick. My hands formed a tiny, little barrier and covers her
head. It is **** dumb and I don't understand why am I doing such
acts - it won't block the rain from drenching her.

Then, I saw a coming taxi driving and I flagged it.

'You are so silly Cloud.'

The next thing I knew, we were in the cab pretty drenched. I told
the uncle to reduce the air-con to the lowest and put my arms
around her shoulder, rubbing her arms to gain some heat. Gradually,
for some reasons, she was in my embrace and I was stroking her
soaked hair. Her eyes were kept closed and my fingers travelled to
her cheeks. Pinching lightly to fulfil my long awaited-desire, she
opened her eyes, like an awaken baby in the morning. My index
finger teased her dimples a little as she felt tickled and ruffled
her head in between my arms and chest.

All good things must come to an end - the cab reached her place and
lucky thing, there was shelter to her house. I told the uncle to
wait for a while and got out of the cab with her.

'When are you leaving then.?'

'Tomorrow.'

Tomorrow? Did I just hear wrongly? What's the rush? Sometimes,
reality is extremely cruel - heaven makes sport of men.

'I am suppose to tell you earlier, but I can't bear to.'

She is right. If she told me earlier, my feelings would be just
like dying patients with the last stage of cancer - waiting for
THAT day. It's terrible!

'Would you see me off?.'

In my heart, there is this robust urge of seeing her every second,
but if I were to see her off, the scene would be unimaginable. My
mind and soul won't be able to endure the parting scene.

'I think, we should just keep this the last meeting then.'

I actually managed to smile and kept this mask of mine, this brave
front indestructible. It remains on my face emotionlessly and dead.

'Well. perhaps it's better if we keep it this way. By the count of
three, we both just walk off to our destination and never look back
ok?

She nodded and I could see her tears closed to spilling out.

'3.2.1.'

---------------------------

Boy ar, come, drink this.'

It was close to my June examination and my mum knocked and came
into my room, bringing me the usual examination brain tonic -
Chicken Essence. I gulped down the entire bottle and sat by my
study table in my room. Working through last year papers has driven
me to the pinnacle of madness. I looked out of my room's window and
thought of Yukiko, again.

It has been a few months since I last saw or heard from her. After
the scene at her estate and we promise not to look back at each
other, I never turn back to even have my last glance. I feel that I
already had my last glance when I spoke my last words to her. As I
depart, I controlled myself emotionally and force my tears back to
its origin. For a guy's image, I can't allow such feelings to
overpower me.

I went online that day and see if she was there using another nick,
but no she wasn't. I know it already passed midnight, but I finally
succumb to my inner self and wanted to make sure I won't think back
and regret on the fact that I never check whether she was online
that day.

I don't know why she never contacts me since then, but I know she
has her reasons. Maybe she lost my number over there, maybe she is
busy adapting to her new life. or maybe she has forgotten me? No
can't be! How can that be? How can the scenarios that have been
taken place be so easily forgotten? The day I knew her, our chats,
the movie, dinner, straws fighting, the beach, the unexpected rain,
the cuddle and every other tiny little details. Is this piece of
dreamland meant to be only a dream?

Tomorrow is the beginning of my exam. I rubbed my eyes a little and
stretched, telling myself not to ponder over past issues as it may
affect my exam performance. I went back to my books and paper and
continue began working on it.

'Boy ar! Your phone!'

My phone? At such hours of the night?

'Hello?.'

There was no respond, but somehow I had this feeling that it was
her.

'Yukiko?? Is that you?'

I was praying and gripping the phone hard, hoping that a miracle
could happen.

'How. how you know it was me?.'

'I smart what! Hey! I never hear from you SO LONG!'

I emphasised on the words 'So long' as if I had never heard
anything from her for few decades. The first thing I did was to
told her to hang on for a moment and screamed at the top of my
voice, literally. My happiness could not contain inside me and I
need to release it. Then I scolded her, in gentle tone, for not
contacting me and making me so worried for her.

'Sorry. I can't use the phone here for very long too.'

Actually, I don't mind the duration of her calls - I just wanted to
hear her voice so badly.

'Miss me?.'

'For making me worried and missing you so badly, you shall treat me
movie the next time I see you.'

I used the same trick again. HAHAHA!

We spoke on the phone and talked like old friends and the pressing
examination stress seemed to have vanished. I was hoping in my
heart that time will freeze so that we could chat till the end of
time.

'Cloud. remember that day when I ask you if you would visit me in
Japan and you said you would.?'

'Yes? You want me to go over? Ok sure, tell me your address. I will
go over right after my examination next sat.'

'Next sat?. examination?. that is when?'

'Maybe 28 May or slightly later.Yeah. tell me your address?.'

I jolted down her contacts in Japan and kiss it.

'Cloud. I got to go already. can't talk anymore. Before I put down,
is there anything you want to tell me?.'

'Take lots of care ok? I can't wait to see you soon!'

'You put down first Cloud. I don't want you to see me hang up on
you.'

With that a heavy heart our conversation ended as I put the phone
down. In preparation for the coming trip to Japan, I hurried my
revision, determined to do well so that I could psycho my mum to
pay for my trip. I thank you God for giving me this chance!!
HOORAY!

*Days passed*

Finally I am close to finishing my examination - today is the last
paper. I was home, like all other days, doing my revision. My mum
says that if I do finish this examination, she would pay for my
tickets, provided I give her my words that my results will be good
when it is out. Regardless. I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE! I want to see her
so badly and life has been good to me, even though little setbacks
filled along the way, but I love the surprises Cupid has in store
for me.

From morning till night, I have been studying non-stop, although my
mind wandered on the thought of seeing her again. For the sake of
going over, everything is worth it.

Then, in amidst of studying, my mum calls for me and I guess it
must be regarding the trip over. Hehz. Yeah I will see her soon!

---------------------------

'Boy ar. a letter for you.'

Huh? A letter for me? I had never receive a letter addressed to me
before. I examined the envelope and it wrote ' To Cloud' on the
front. Curiously, I tear opened and a letter fell out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cloud,

Before I began, I apologise for not telling you everything about
myself. In this world, if there is one person I wouldn't want to
see crying - it would have been you.

I wrote this letter on the night when we parted and promise not to
look back. Actually I broke the promise; I did looked back, because
I feared that I may not have the chance to see you again this
lifetime. I know you are putting on a brave front because as a
woman I could cry and I know you would be there to console me, but
someone has to be the stronger one to console and reassure right?

The reasons why I have to go back to Japan is because I am
suffering from a rare case of a blood cancer that may claim my life
very soon if it is not treated. My parents wants me to go back to
take a major operation there because if this operation were to
fail, I would disappear from the surface of the world and they
wants to be with me during this period, that's why I ask you if you
would come to visit me if I ask you to.

The success rate of this operation is only 30% and anything could
happen. So I want to tell you that I appreciate your company, your
advices, everything you did or said. I giggled to myself every
night after we chatted online and I began to ask myself if I fell
in love with you. I guess I did, although you never express
yourself to me. Perhaps it is just one sided, but no wrong liking
you what right?

You told me you rather wait for the special one, and I told you I
will also wait for mine. During the time when I was cuddling in
you, I knew that you are the one. I hope that the cab could drive
slower because I may not get the chance to cuddle in you again. You
may find a girlfriend by then, or I am already in heaven watching
over you.

My operation begins on 24 May and I will call you maybe a week plus
before to fulfil the promise you said you would come over and visit
me in Japan. By then you would know the truth and I could see you
for the last time, at least.

But then again, if you receive this letter through mail sent by my
guardian, it means that I have already gone, leaving my physical
body, leaving my suffering and of course, leaving this world. But
do not despair, as I will always be around you, shielding you like
what you did, in vain, to protect me from the rain today. You said
you are not romantic at all, but to me, you are the best a guy
could be.

I am feeling a little tired writing this letter, but I am determine
to finish what I had to say. If there is one thing final question I
want you to ask me, it would be you asking me whether if I like
good-looking guys. No, I don't like them because I like guys like
YOU - unique and extraordinary, just like Rosemary in the movie we
watched together. This distinct character could only be found in
you and I want you to kept it that way for I like the way you are,
not the way you looked.

I love you, Cloud. very much.
Yukiko
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tears I have been fighting back, at this time broke from my
resistance barrier and roll down my cheek as I saw the date today -
27 May. I was rooted to the ground, totally defeated, lying at the
mercy of my ill-fated destiny. I clutched my head tightly as trains
of disillusioned thoughts sinks into my mind. Why DIDN'T I LEFT
Singapore to Japan? I should have hack care about my examination to
be with her, her final days. I should not have delay the trip over.
I should not.

Decisions, most of the times, have cruel consequences regardless of
which options I chose. I was at the verge of mental breakdown,
totally confused and helpless, like a baby in crossfire, weeping
silently to myself for the tears I owe her and for the lack of
courage to express my feeling. She was waiting for me to pop the
question! And I never did! I should have fuc-king listen to Jerry.
At the very least, I could let her know HOW MUCH she meant to me
and how much I loved her.

I knew something is happening to me.

I was crying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As expected, my results were good. Since that day, I never spoke
much because I was hurt, disappointed and regretted beyond words. I
sat at the bus stop where I first saw her and every scene replay
itself in my mind, like a drama. I recalled that she still owe me a
movie treat - although this could never happen and thinking of it,
made me sink deeper into this whirlpool of depression.

Clutching tightly onto the heart origami that she made, I waited
for the bus and soon, it arrived.

I took it and realise that it was the same bus driver again.

'Eh boy ar. why your girlfriend not with you ar?.'

I smiled at him and pointed to my heart.

'Nope! She is with me. all the time.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- at 7:46 PM


just came home from peace centre's mac. haha... yes, i bought the bears. bear 'I' and bear 'N'. just cant help it. hahaha... in love with bears and stuff toys. anyway, rest for a while and i got to go back to 'work'... arrgh... to sweep the floor, pack my table, pack my stuff for tml's camp (wed, thur, fri). think the camp will be DARn boring.. coz it's SCL camp.. so i am not gonna pin too high hope. just the thought of slping on the carpeted floor on the 3rd level already make me feel funny.. haha... think it will be very cold. just have to bear with it, coz i dun have a jacket! or if i can borrow from my sis(s) that would be another thing.

got this from an email.... for the camp....wonder if they missed out anything...

Things to bring

4 to 5 suits of clothes plus undergarments
Toiletries (Shampoo, toothbrush, towel…etc)
Face towel (For games purposes)
Mug and water bottle
Torch light (Plus batteries)
Whistle
Track shoes
Sandals
Stationeries (Pen & Pencil)

NOTE:

You are not advise to bring along you laptop.

BRING VALUABLES AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

- at 2:33 PM


Artist: Another Level
Album: Notting Hill OST
Title: From The Heart


I know you've heard these words a houndred other times before.
And you've been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
Love broke your heart and brought you lies.
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love that's deep and true.
Tender and strong and all for you.
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

Chorus

From the heart i'm giving you everything, everything.
From the heart. i promise you that i'll be there.
I'll be there to love you.
From the soul i'm showing you all i feel, all i feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need.
And when you reach for love you only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down.
They're staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you save i'll keep you warm.
And you'll have no doubt.. you're the one i'm living for.

From the heart i'm giving you everything, everything.
From the heart. i promise you that i'll be there.
I'll be there to love you.
From the soul i'm showing you all i feel, all i feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I'll provide the love you need.
Just trust my touch, believe in me.
I'll never make you cry.
Give it all i got, with all i've got inside.

From the heart i'm giving you everything, everything.
From the heart. i promise you that i'll be there.
I'll be there to love you.
From the soul i'm showing you all i feel, all i feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.


- at 12:21 AM

Sunday, November 02, 2003
at last... done with my blog. plain but i like.

went to bugis with my mom... dunno why she like bugis so much. anyway, i wanted to buy the mac donald's alphabears.. i wan C Y C or maybe C Y Q. too bad, no luck... letter C was out of stock!!! arrgh... my mom was laughing at me... arrrgh.. wo he ni de C mei you yuan... wo bu yao XI(die)! wo yao C... gonna sue mac.. hahaha.. crazy.

after tml, tues will be my holiday! woohoo!!! at last man! wed, thur, fri camp... dan slack all the way.. too bad, i've to go to sch every sat for the car wash... i really think i am a little or maybe very dumb... long term car wash... wo de ma ya. i am out of my mind!

hungry. think i'm gonna cook some nuggets to fill my stomach. after that, i'm gonna read a bk and ZZzzz!
- at 11:28 PM


just finished reading the sunday times. yay! farewell to Mahathir and welcome to Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Bawadi. hope the change will make our lives easier.
it's raining! sian man... idiotic sis. wanna get me into trouble again. if you are jealous of me just let me noe. u still have loads of secrets with me. go tell! go tell it the mountains over the hills and everywhere. go ahead. like mom will believe you. sometimes i really hate you man. do those things that will make ppl puke at you. u better noe wad u are doing. i noe that u can read my blog. smilez k? relax... i am not a bad sis after all... just treat me well and i will treat you better. hahaha....
- at 12:41 PM